more thoughts of randomness

Sometimes the most beautifull things in the word are not words... they cannot be expressed in any written or verbal form. they are the thoughts, feelings and emotions of someone who loves you. it is the most amazing thing in the world to sit and look at someone whos looking right back at you saying nothing but you can feel it in your heart that all they are thinking about is how much they love you and how much you mean to them. there is no better feeling then that. no better reasurance... or comfort.. then physically knowing feeling, and being reasured. its pretty incredible.. song, and word are pretty some can really touch the soul, but a loving look really lets you know..

Confusing

Life is hard. it is suposed to be. when you care for and about others it makes that hard multiplied. when you feel and sence others.. and honestly care.. it multiplies the multiplied # by ten atleast.. it leads to do things such as setting up someone you like with your good friend... they end up together for a couple years, and your happy they are happy together. that works in life for so long. helping people, making others happy... it makes me happy to see others happy. but i have been realizing the last few weeks that there comes a point in life where you have to do something for yourself, and not think about others 1st. it sounds kinda mean maybe.. but sometimes you have to think of yourself too. new places, new faces. things are new around me everyday still, i have gotten much more involved in the new ysa ward. i have multiple callings and im loving every min. of it. my shell has been cracked and i can see my old self through those cracks. the lord knew what i needed to start to break that shell away, and he has helped me. even more amazing yet is the fact that he is helping me even more by bringing more people into my life in just the right way ... im sure if you ever read this you would know who you are. i feel like i have a purpose in life again. something that i couldnt say even 7 months ago. still helping people.. still caring.. but also sometimes (still seldom) but sometimes... doing things for myself as well. it is hard for me to know how to act around certain people, especially ones with negitive thoughts coming at me. i am learning on how to handle that.. in fact one person like that when i 1st moved in i can actually consider a friend now. we got through that. the last few days and nights have been amazing. i cant belive how great someone is.. just seeing a smile... thats all it takes. its pretty hard knowing things well before anyone else really should sometimes. especially when it comes to certain matters. i am thankfull for my good friends here and other places who have been there for me when i needed that help to get through those times of waiting. i am going to provo/salt lake tomarow.. i am really really excited about that. though alittle nervouse about a few aspects of that trip. i am sure things will go welll, i just hope that i can act right in the right situations. my sister is now engaged as well. that is who im going up there with her and her fiance. i am really happy for her, and proud of her for how well she is doing latly. life has really changed for my whole family in the past year or so. it is really amazing to look back and see each little stepping stone and event that has made me into the person that i am today. i am greatfull for those trials and hard times. .... like a butterfly in a cacoon. it has to struggle and fight for its life literally to break free of that cacoon, and then its so weak after breaking out and wet that it has to sit and dry out and recover. but beacuse of that battle inside the caccoon to get out it gives the butterfly the strength to live. if you were to cut the cacoon open and free the butterfly without the fight it would die very fast. it is amazing to me how true this is in life. the lord places trials and obstacles like that cacoon that we have to fight through with everything that we are. but once we get through.. rest and dry out.. we are strong enough to make it through the next thing to come in life. thanks again to everyone.. and especially i am gratefull for a new friend who has talked to me alot latly..

Pretty good night

Tonight was pretty good. I went to FHE tonight and played volleyball and kicked around a soccer ball with some friends. it was alot of fun, i got to talk to someone i really wanted to talk to alittle bit. After that i went with dason and picked up my sister from work. I went bck to my house and droped off dason and chelsea at my house and then went to lins to meet up with aubrey and talked for alittle bit. it was really nice. I am glad that i have friends that i can talk to. i was having alittle bit of a hard time with something and talking really helped that. i hope to have something more and better to say tomarow but im really tierd right now.

thankfull

Last night was a crazy night. Karlie and her friend ate some berrys or something off of a plant and her friend got really sick. she had to go to the hospitol last night and get checked out. karlie ate some also and her being really sensitive felt really bad and was scared she and charity were going to die, and that it was her fault.. and it was really hard. thankfully they are both ok and are going to be ok now. I had to run to lins with my dad around 11:30 to get some gingerale and stuff for them. When i got home chelsea and dason decided to watch a movie around mid night, so i just went to bed. I woke up to my mom saying ryan.. can you come help give chelsea a blessing? She wasnt breathing and was having areally hard time doing so. I am so thankfull for the opertunity that i have to live in these days where i can be privliged enought to hold the pristhood and to help in situations like that. its really truly amazing that the power of the priesthood has. i know and have seen it do many amazing things in just my own life. The day i got ordained and recived the melchezidek priesthood was such an amazing day and i will never forget the experience or the feelings that i had when it happened. that was the 1st time in my life i had gone up to bear my testimoney in fast and testimoney meeting and started crying before i said anything. i am so thankfull that i was able to help my sister last night and she was able to breath ok and settle down and make it through the night.

its been some time

it has been a little bit of time since i wrote anything here. Alot has been going on latly. I have met alot of new people, some of witch i am spending alot of time and effort in atempting to get to know better. It is really amazing to me how just when you think you have someone, or something in life figured out something happens to change how you feel or what you think about that. I now have 3 Callings with the church. I cant remember if i mentioned them before but they are all going great. I started to mix some things up with my mind so obviously in other places latly.. (thanks to a certain someone) but hopefully i can start to keep things straight again lol. The more i reflect and look back at somethings that have happened in my life, the more it makes me first of all thankfull. thankfull that i have no only survived through some of these things, but also thankfull that i was able to expeirence them and to grow from and through them. Even though some of them are and were so hard that even now talking about them i start to tear up a little. The hardest times in my life are the times that have truly made me the person i am today. I will never wish that any hardship ive faced to this point in my life never happened.. beacuse if it had not have happened i dont know who i would be right now. i belive that i have seen some of the highest of highs, and some of the lowest of lows in my life. The things that bother me most about each of those is that you never truly appriciate one without the other. I Finaly am starting to feel like for the 1st time in my life i understand who i am. I am in controll of things that at many times in my life i had no controll over. Certain feelings, and Certain thoughts. I am loving the people i am meeting out here. there are alot of really cool things about them. one or two in particular are absolutly amazing. There is just something about their spirit that i cant get over. i am around them and i cant help but leave feeling "wow" one time after being around one of these people i had to literally park my car and take a deep breath just so that i could make it home safe haha. well its almost 3am .. and i still cant sleep.. im suposed to play basketball with josh and some other people in 2 and a half hours or so but we have ZERO gas in the car right now and wont have any untill this afternoon so im not so sure if i will be able to go or not. probably not though :(. I went dancing again on tues. at the electric theater. it was alot of fun, and i really enjoyed being around the friends i went with. part way through the dance i was informed that a friend had died. that was REALLY hard on me.. i wasnt sure how to act or what to do or say. (i found out later that they had not in actuality died) it wasnt untill a guy i had not just met not to long ago noticed something was bothering me and took me aside to talk and make sure i was ok that i actually started to feel some what ok. Then right after that i walked back in and i saw Tali smiling.. and that honestly is the only reason i didnt break down right there in front of everyone. i am so thankfull that she was there that night, and she helped me more then i think she will ever really understand just by being there and talking to me and smiling. I faxed in a resume for a new job. it would be a really great opertunity for me, i really hope that i can get it. it would be working with bind and def children at a school as a teachers aid. i would be learning brail, and helping the kids out. its truly something i would love to do everyday. I think i am starting to consider some other options as far as a potential career path goes as well. All of them of course are aimed at the thought that i will be able to be around and spend alot of time with my future family, but still suport them finacially as well.

Thoughts for today

latly there has been one quote from a movie that has really been coming up alot to me in my life. The quote is from one of if not my favorite movie ever, coach carter. I have had alot of struggles in my life with my anxiety and other things. if you know me im sure you know most of the storys, and if you dont know me and want to know just tell me. anyways here is the quote

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

its truly amazing to me the impact this quote has had on me recently. i can go through almost the entire thing and think that was this part of my life.. and so on. what is funny is that i belive it has taken me to this point in my life to learn and understand alot of the truths that are stated in te quote. when i 1st saw it i thought oh thats cool. but i didnt think much more after that. if you really take a closer look it holds some very clear and simple truths in life. well i dont have much time so i am going to cut it short i just love that quote and its amazing how real it is, and can be in life.

MY COMPUTER IS FINALY FIXED!

my laptop is finaly completely fixed!! :D actuall blog coming later.. this is just very good news....

we all need a direction....

so its been a few days since i last posted anything. the days have been filled to the brim with good bad events going on. To start off on a some what cheery note i will start with the good. I got to spend alot of time with aubrey, david, danny, and the rest of my friends. I got to go visit meghan. it was really good to see her smiling after what happened. There was a plane crash that killed everyone on it, meghan got in a bad car wreck, and some friends from the past have come back to cuase some drama in my life recently. Life can change dramaticly in any given instant or moment in time. I am starting to realize just how highly i value certain things in my life. My family, the gospel, and my friends.. a few specificly im realizing just how important they are to me. it really is important to live your life today so that if you werent here tomarow you would be in good standing with your family, friends, and especially the lord. Too many times ive found myself holding back in certain situations. As hard as it is sometimes to express just how you feel about someone, or what they mean to you its usualy better to let them know in some way. you never know if you will have another opertunity to make sure they understand. Another thing that ive been thinking and pondering recently is this.. "there is allways someone better" This small statement is very true. in sports, church, politics, anything and everything in life. in soccer i used that as motivation to work harder and push myself more to try and improve. Even though this is true that there is allways someone better it shouldn't keep us from putting ourself out there though. for along time ive felt like there was someone better then me so maybe i shouldnt talk to a certain girl maybe.. or try out for a certain team or game. I AM done with that attitude. Talking to aubrey tonight i realized just how silly and dumb that is. why should i not even try just beacuse there may be another alittle bit better at something then me? if nothing else i can only get better by trying, and continuing to figure things out. :) So this might just be my longest blog yet. ive gone through 3 songs so far and im still just warming up. The way im feeling about some people in my life is begining to change and shift. Nothing really different, im just seeing things better latly. I am hoping to start running alot again. starting out with maybe 3 times a week. I ran around alot today with david playing hockey, then by myself with my soccer ball before aubrey, chase, davd, danny, dason, my sister, and a couple others came over. Sometimes letting go is the true sign of strength. it takes aLOT more power and strength to let something go sometimes then it does, or would to keep something going. To hold onto it longer even if its not doing any good for anyone involved. My true heros in my life are changing some as well. Angels come in all shapes and sizes in this world. its almost 1 Am right now, so im sorry if this doesnt make any sence at all. i know im jumping around alot. We all need to feel that we have a direction in life. even the most spontaneous person i know has a goal and has his eyes set on something in the near future. Right now my goal is to become closer to the lord. To be more open with how i feel. and to become a better overall person physically and mentally. i have been VERY inspierd by a few people the last week or so of my life. something as small as a smile. another friend standing up for what they belive in even when others might get upset beacuse of it. another friend having the courage to tell me im being stupid haha.. I am going to start another blog on here also with my scripture studying. it will have alot of the points and truths and gospel principles im learning and understanding as i study. I think that it will help me to get a better understanding and remember what im learning and studying better. I know that i can be better then this. I dont have to let all these little things in life bother me, and i wont anymore. I am determind to become that witch i was meant to be. Seeing how excited Chase is about his mission call inspiers me as well. all of my friends have really inspierd me latly in SO so so many ways i cant even explain them all. but thanks everyone your amazing. i dont know where id be without my friends. those who are physically here with me now, and those who are not but still are there for me when i need something. There is allways someone better... but... there is ALSO allways someone worse... ;)

there is allways a choice...

there are many times in life when we may feel like we are forced to do something. Maybe we feel we NEED money so we Must do one thing or another to get it even if its not the best way to get it. i have realized that no matter how good or bad a situation may seem we allways have a choice. there are all ways many many options in any situation. It is just left up to us to learn to look for those options and choices. Life may get hard but you are in controll all the time, in every situation. just look alittle harder next time you think theres no other option, and im sure you will find one that maybe you missed before.

strongest muscle?

figurativly speaking.. when your hopes and dreams and loves are crushed they say your heart is broken. i guess it makes sence then that your heart is one of your strongest muscles. Today has been a very hard day. alot is going on in my life latly. trying to understand what to do and what direction to take is never easy. especially for a 20 year old in the world today. weather they live in the usa, canada, england or on the moon. There are many paths and directions that you can take in this life. The hardest thing to figure out sometimes is what is most important to you. Once you decide that it makes alot of choices and decisons alot easier. Knowing what you are living for, why your living for that can show you excatly what you need to do. its almost like your standing at a fork in the road. there are many ways you could turn and go depending on what is most important in your life. you look over to a man standing by where all the forks come together, and tell him.. "i have decided that this is my direction in life" he then flips a switch and the right path to take is all a glow in beautifull lights against the dark night sky. right now alot of us, myself included.. need to decide what that most important thing to us is, and then take the path that is opened up before us.

Long day Grave choice

So today i was faced with a decision. i could either lie to someone and keep something very precious to me, but at the same time put a friend of mine in jeoperdy, or i could tell the truth and not be belived and lose something very precious to me. Of course i chose the later of these two choices. My friends mean more to me in this world then anything else. i would never lie or talk bad about them for gain to myself or others. Weather anyone wants to belive me or not i know what the situation was, and i knew the consiquinces of both actions i could have taken. i dont feel that i must prove myself or provide evidence of what happened today. i know what happened god knows what happened and the BLEEP head who was being a jerk knows what happened. ive decided that i am at peace with what happened im just not really happy with why it happened. Sometimes in life no matter what you give to something or how much you put into it someone will still over look that and make up any excuse to take it away from you. Today was rough for a few reasons this just being the only one i will write about tonight. hopefully i will be able to get some sleep and not wake up clinching my teeth again.

Alot on my mind right now...

So i have been watching the olympics alot this past week. that along with a few things i have learned about some friends from the past has got me thinking alot latly. A few friends i grew up with playing soccer on various teams, (highschool, club, tournament teams, ect) are trying out for profestional and semi pro teams really soon. a couple of them think i could make it if i got back into playing shape. When i lived in rexburg someone saw me playing and working on my shot and thought that i could make a tripple A team without much trouble. Now when i was younger i met alot of people who wanted to be famouse and rich and be a pro. whatever athelte. When i was younger i dreamed of playing pro soccer as well.. but i had completely different dreams and aspirations for it. Deep deep in my heart i wanted to make it as a pro soccer player one day in order to bring good to others lives. i wanted to make all that money so that i could use that money and the fame to help others and to donate to things. i allways was different from my friends in this way. i wanted to achvie greatness i wanted it i had a passion for the game and deep inside myself i knew i could do it. but the biggest reasons i wanted this was for the doors it would open to me to be able to help others. I find it strange to see others and think that they could read what i am saying now and not even comprehend what im saying. whenever i see a pro athlete, or someone who is famouse donate a large sum of money or time to helping someone else out without even any payment it just blows me away. i think that is the kind of person i want to be one day. Obviously people who know me know that i never got to that point in life. i never achived that greatness that would allow me to touch others. there are other ways that i have found that im abel to touch others. i hope that i have been able to take advantage of most opertuitys in my life to help others. i still wonder what i would have been able to acomplish if i had been able to reach that level.. that.. high of a place where others knew you and where you had the money to do wonderous things for others.

I have moved aroud alot in my life. Right now i live in sothern utah. Utah is the 7th state i have lived in, and i am only 20 years old. (almost 21.. In october) I have seen and met alot of different people. I never really have felt setteled or like i was going to be in any one place for very long in my life. This is the first place, and really time in my life that i think i have really felt actually settled anywhere i have lived recently. the song called " this is home" by switch foot really hits home for me right now. This is the first place i actually feel comfrotable in who i am. what i stand for, and who i stand for. The more people i meet, and see in all these places i have lived the more i realize how different i am from them. i try to be different in alot of ways. i just honestly want to be the best person i can, and really be the person that god wants me to be. im not trying to say im perfect by any means.. i have made many many mistakes. its just this desier to be a better person each day then i was the day before that gets me to try and act alittle different then the world normally would. i guess in that way you could call me a wierd person, but really im okay with being that kind of wierd. Another thing i have noticed about this place is that the friends im meeting and making actually do care about me. they demonstrate and show me just how much they do care almost daily. Aubrey especially when i got my concusion did something that not one of my other friends ever did when i was hurt in the past. she was constantly checking up on me to make sure i was okay.. i think there was only 2 days when i was hurting that i didnt see her here just wanting to see if im okay. At the point i got hurt again i was pretty upset and down on everything. in arizona i got a concusion and it ended friendships and everything else i had out there. Aubrey showed me that its okay to have faith in people again. she really doesnt understand how much just her being there if i needed anything helped me. i could have easily sunk back into my who cares attitude and went back to eating sleeping and being in my room all day and night and never doing anything again. I have gone through some hard times in my life. but being out herei have learned that certin people will actually be there for you when they say it. and its not just a common curtisy to them. or an auto responce when something goes bad.

im really not sure who is going to be reading this or who wont be. if anyone at all. i guess this is going to be more of a journal of some sorts for me. maybe i will print it off and put it in a note book too so that i have it offline too. but this is going to help me to keep track of some things and just get them off my chest. this place i am living right now is great, and i have met alot of really cool, and good people here. i just hope that i can continue to get better each day and be the person i truly feel that i can be on the inside.